The last good bye

Eleanor's time with us is really short now. I'm actually waiting on a call back from the vet to discuss the when and how of it all, but Lance and I finally sucked it up enough last night to talk about it. We both knew her time was coming if not already here but neither of us wanted to bring it up and actually say it out loud to the other.

I was at my hair lady's yesterday and was talking to her about Eleanor, she is a dog-lover and so is very understanding of it all. She was there for me when I had to say good bye to Franklin and knew how hard that was on me. As I was talking about Eleanor out-loud, I realized that Lance and I are being selfish right now and we need to consider Eleanor more than ourselves.

Eleanor spends her days and nights laying down, she can't get up to play or to snuggle and if she tries to, you can see how very hard it is on her. Her back left leg can't bear any weight on it so she holds it up and curls it as if it is broken, but it isn't. Because she has not used that leg in a couple weeks now, it has lost all the muscle and weight in it and looks sunken in and bad. When we take her outside for potty, we have to sling a towel under her belly and lift/carry her down the stairs and into the yard. When she sees me getting the towel, you can almost read the relief cross her face. And when I slip the towel under her belly, I can feel her give me all her back weight to carry for her.

So, I sent the word out to her friends, asking them to come give her one last hello. Eleanor has her favorite people that she's known since puppyhood and when she hears us say their name or that they're coming over, she gets all wiggly and smiley because they are her friends too. I know she'll try and put on a brave front for them, because that's what dogs do, but I also know she'll really love the opportunity to see all of them one last time. I'm pretty sure she'll know why there here too, she is just that smart and perceptive…

It's going to be a rough weekend. But it is going to be full of cheeseburgers and peanut butter.

Dear Sweet Eliza

Oh little Eliza, I can't believe you are already 24 weeks old…your official six month birthday is less than a couple weeks away. I learned with Hannah how quickly time flies, but I must say knowing this didn't make it any easier with you. I wish I could slow down the clock, just a little and enjoy these sweet little moments of yours even more.

As I'm writing this, I'm looking at you bouncing up and down in your bouncy chair, smiling at me like I am your whole world. I know it's just a matter of time before your world expands and I'm only a small piece of it. I am so lucky to have you and I am grateful for every day that we get to spend together. Someday when you're older, I'll tell you the story of how you came into our lives an entire month early, so very unexpectedly.

Your coos and your smiles have reminded me to slow down and enjoy a quiet moment when I can. I love when we lay down together and talk. You look at me with such love in your eyes and listen to my every word, cooing back for all you are worth. When I look at you, I am reminded of your Daddy. I see so much of him in you, from your easy going nature to your beautiful smile.

One of my favorite times of day is when you have woken up and are just laying in your crib contentedly chattering away. You don't ever wake up screaming, you wake up gently and happily and I love that. I'll listen to you talking to the toes you have just caught for a couple minutes before I come in. And as you see me coming in your room, your whole face lights up with pure joy. I scoop you up for a snuggle and you burrow right down into my neck, snuggling me back.

I always wondered how parents were able to spread the love around when there is more than one child and now I know. You are so different and yet so similar to your sister, but I love you for you. You are my Eliza Claire.

Trains

I never thought that I would actually live under a bridge, but I do. Well, almost under a bridge…235 passes right by out house. When we first looked at this house we were both like, whoa - the interstate is *right* there. But once inside the house you can't really hear it; all you hear is a soft, low rumble of passers by.

I grew up in small town Wisconsin, the closest interstate was like 30 miles away. We traveled country roads, and we listened to the sounds our neighbors made in the evenings as we went to bed. Our back yard went clear up to the train tracks that went through town and I spent a lot of time on those tracks. I didn't realize it then (of course not, I was a kid) but what I liked most was the sounds of the train. It was what I knew and it was comforting and reassuring because it was a sound I associated with home.

When I was 10, we had to move into town. I know if mom could have been able to make it work we wouldn't have had to move, but Dad got sick and we had to downsize. I had to leave my little town of 40 people and move into the city of almost 2,000. I didn't like it and I know I was a snot about it. But the one constant was the train tracks. The train didn't run through our back yard anymore, but it was just down the street and near the edge of town so I could still hear it. I remember laying in bed listening to it thinking, its almost like home.

Once I made the move to Des Moines to go to college, I never really thought much about the sounds of the train. At the time, I was too concerned with the sounds of college :) After many moves and many apartments, we bought our first home. Ironically, its just about 10 blocks straight west of this house. Because of the curve in the interstate that house wasn't too close to it and we couldn't really hear anything other than the occasional car driving down our street. But when we bought the duplex over in Union Park, the first thing I noticed was the train. I could hear the sounds of the train that ran near downtown. We weren't particularly close to it or anything, the sounds just carried. Those nights that we had the windows open and I could hear the trains moving through town were the most relaxing.

I wish this house were nearer to some tracks or that the train sounds carried to here. But they don't and that's okay, I have the gentle whoosh of traffic to work with. It doesn't sound like a train, but it reminds me of a train and that's enough to make it home.

Saying Goodbye

Hannah has understood the ramifications of goodbye for quite a long time now. She knows you say goodbye and then you don't see that person for a while, whether it's Daddy going to work for the day, or friends she'll see in a few days, or grandparents she'll see in a few weeks. Ordinarily, she's fine with that but today she had a pretty rough time of it.

Mom had asked us to come back to Wisconsin for a visit, but I said no thanks :) Actually, I said I wasn't quite up for traveling with both girls by myself yet. Eliza still eats fairly frequently and Hannah needs to use the potty fairly frequently and I am just not ready to deal with all that comes with road tripping with 2 small children alone. Usually when we go back to Wisconsin we stay for a few days and I allow Lance the opportunity to opt out, which he does. Hannah and I traveled back to Wisconsin several times on our own and it was always fine, but add a new baby to the mix and you just never know.

So, I suggested mom come out here and stay for a few days. We have a small twin-bed upstairs at one end of the playroom that is known as "hoo-hoo's" bed. Mom actually bought it for herself back when Eliza was born and she came out to stay with us and help me out after Lance went back to work. Hannah LOVES when hoo hoo comes to visit. We get hoo hoo's bed ready and make sure the playroom is walk-through-able and talk about what we're going to do when she's here.

At night when I put Hannah to bed mom's first night here, I reminded Hannah that when she wakes up she needs to go wake up hoo hoo. Don't bother coming into mommy and daddy's room, just go straight to hoo hoo's and tell her "wake up!" So, that's what she does. Each morning she woke up, I would hear her little feet hit the floor and then patter patter out to the porch, followed by "hello? hello? I here now" :) It's my mom, so I don't feel at all guilty about waking her up in the morning…that's what she's here for!

Hannah was insistent that we take hoo hoo to the muffin store and the bread store when she was here, so we did. We also took her to the toy store so Hannah could show her all the things she likes most. But the majority of the time was spent just hanging out, reading books, playing in the yard, doing things that grandmas do. (dishes)

This morning it was time for mom to leave and when she told Hannah that, she didn't take it well. It turned the morning into one long tantrum after another. I realize now it was how she was expressing her dislike at the situation… But after we sent hoo hoo on her way with waves from our porch, we came back inside to start doing some morning routine things and I heard Hannah snuffle. I turned to look at her and she had these big tears rolling down her face and her little mouth was in such a sad face it made me crouch down immediately to see what was wrong. She said she was sad that hoo hoo left and she wants her to come back. It was so sincere and genuine that it actually made me cry a little! I was caught so off guard, I just wasn't expecting that at all.

Disclaimer

Back when I initially started this blog (in 2007!) I probably posted some sort of disclaimer but I'm not sure and don't feel like weeding back through old posts. In case I did not though, today's post will be about ground rules and disclaimers and what to expect and not expect from my writing.

This blog is not about you. You may think it is, you may wonder…"is she talking about me?" I am not. Unless I refer to you by name, I am not. Any resemblance of description or actions is purely coincidental.

I enjoy blogging, it gives me an opportunity to practice my writing skills which allows me to get paid for my other, more topic-driven articles.

Before I had children, I used to blog about my pets. Now that I have two beautiful girls, they will most often be the topic of my posts. At times, I may want to blog about what I did the day before or plan to do this week. I may also want to blog about someone or something that recently pissed me off. I get to do that, it's my blog. There may be a day that I can't think of anything to blog about and so may venture down memory lane and tell you a story from years past. Or there may be a day when I think, I'm just too tired and don't want to write today, so I won't. Again, it's my blog.

This blog will not be full of fluffy posts that are aimed at pleasing everyone. That is not me, nor my style. I tend to be pretty sarcastic, I get that from my Dad. I also call it like I see it. You may not enjoy or necessarily agree with my humor, in which case, I suggest you just move on and stop reading. You may feel compelled to comment, that's cool. I may not feel as compelled to comment back though ;)

Not quiet...

My baby is not a quiet baby, nor was her sister at this age. All day long I hear a range of noises from coos to squeals to almost ear piercing wails. Mostly the sounds are happy sounds and Eliza just having fun, rarely does she make an "I'm unhappy" noise.

The random old person I come across in the grocery store or library feels compelled to comment on my baby. Usually the comments are about how very quiet she is. "What, doesn't she make any noise?" "Wow, she sure is quiet" "Do you suppose she'll start cooing soon?" Because I'm trying to be better about not snarking at the old people, I usually just smile and nod or come up with a reason we need to move to the next aisle, right now. What I really want to say is "Shut the hell up, you're talking out of your ass." Because as soon as they get out of her face, she'll look at me and start babbling as if to say, "ha!" :)

Eliza is just like Hannah was at this age, full of things to say to those whom she deems worthy. Which is really kind of funny, its hard to say how they decide their criteria for worthy, but it's there. I would assume it has something to do with new people, or strangers…but mom is here to visit this weekend and Eliza started squealing at her immediately. I handed Eliza over and she burst out with smiles and coos and proceeded to tell mom all about her days. And they haven't seen each other for months!

Last week I had taken the girls into my hair salon to get Hannah's hair cut. Hannah has been in there a bunch of times, but this was Eliza's first. I asked the owner who is a very seasoned grandma to please hold her while I went with Hannah to the chair. I could have easily kept Eliza with me, but I could see Becky was all but drooling at the sight of a cute little baby, so I was more than happy to give her a chance at some baby snuggles. Eliza opened right up to her and had all sorts of stories to tell her. Becky loved it!

So, I really don't know how babies decide when and who they'll talk to. I'd love to know what is going on in their heads, because they must know something I don't. Or maybe they just like messing with the old people ;)

Where were you?

I haven't yet had a chance to watch the news, our tv has been playing Lilo and Stitch all morning long, but I'm sure today is going to be devoted to remembering the anniversary of 9/11. It is one of those days that everyone will remember and think about where they were and what they were doing ten years ago. Just like our grandparents could tell us what they were doing when they heard about Pearl Harbor, we will always remember what we were doing when the towers were first struck.

Lance and I had just come back from our honeymoon. We were initially set to fly back home on the 11th, but had decided to change our plans and come back on the 10th instead. I don't recall exactly why we changed our plans, but I sure am glad that we did. We were living in Minneapolis at the time, just outside of downtown in the Uptown neighborhood. Lance was up early, watching the news in the living room letting me sleep in. I remember him coming back to the bedroom and telling me I needed to get up and watch the news with him; something bad was happening and I needed to see it for myself. I remember sitting on the couch with him, both of us in complete silence listening to the newscasters recount what had just happened, not really able to take it all in.

The first plane had hit and was sticking out of the tower…I remember thinking, how on earth could that have happened? How will they get that down from there? It didn't even occur to me that this could have been a terrorist attack, I just never thought in those terms before. Then as we were sitting next to each, letting the tragedy sink in, we watched as the second plane came out of nowhere and hit the other tower. It was at that moment that it really hit home to me, this was an attack. This was an attack on our country. What does it all mean? Will planes be hitting in every city? Are we safe? What else will happen?

I am so glad that we were safe in our own home able to watch the news with one another. We could have been in the airport trying to get back home or worse yet, on a plane flying home. I remember not leaving the couch until maybe 5:00 that night, we were unable to pull ourselves away from the tv. There was just so much tragedy to take in, I didn't even know what to think. It was all just too much.

Even now, ten years later, it is still too much to think about. I know as soon as I turn on a 9/11 memorial, I will instantly start to cry as if it were happening all over again. In fact, I can't even get through this post without crying…it is just still so tragic and so unbelievably sad. Today is going to be one of those days that Lance and the girls get extra hugs and kisses because I am just so lucky to have them