Sad day, even sadder night

Today was full of tears and sobs and sadness, and I know that the worst is yet to come. I have the whole night ahead of me, all by myself with no dog to talk to. It is unfortunate timing that Lance is away for work but we really couldn't make Eleanor wait until his trip was over, her time had come and we needed to respect that.

Luckily, Hannah was able to go play at a friend's house while we took Eleanor to the vet this morning. I wanted Eliza with us as something cuddly to hold and help us through the grief. A little cooing baby eases the pain, for sure. On the way, we stopped at McDonald's for one last ice cream cone. I held the cone for her while she licked her way through the ice cream, barely making a mess because she didn't want to waste any. I know that without a doubt, she knew exactly where we were going and why. Because once she'd finished the ice cream cone and we were back on the road, she scooted as far forward in the van as she could and laid her head against my chest. She used to ride like that all the time with me, resting against me as she looked out the windows. But, she hadn't done that in years because it wasn't comfortable for her anymore. As she got older, she preferred to ride in the way back, laying down. Even though it was uncomfortable for her, she wanted to be near me this one last time, telling me it's okay, I'm here for you.

I'm still processing the whole experience at the vet, it was just so very sad. I'm glad she is at peace and no longer in any pain, but it was very hard to let her go. I feel good knowing that the last thing she saw was Lance and I, and the last thing she felt were our hands comforting her as she passed on.

It's hard to say how much Hannah gets at this age, but I've been preparing her, telling her that Eleanor will be going away soon and she won't be with us anymore. I know it's healthy for her to see emotion so I'm not hiding my tears from her but I'm saving the big tears for later when I have some time to just reflect on my own. She was asking me why I was sad, and I told her because Eleanor is gone and I miss Eleanor. Tilting her head to the side, she comes up to give me a hug, pats me a little and softly says, "its okay mommy, its okay." Oh man, it was hard to not completely loose it at that. What a sweet girl she is…then she pulls back and I can tell she is thinking about something and I ask her what are you thinking, are you sad too? She says, "well, Free Free (Franklin) go to new friends, so Eleanor go to new friends too?" I just nodded, so then she says, "okay then, we'll get new Free Free and new Eleanor and okay then." Wow. All I could do was nod and give her a really tight hug.

I have an empty living room, there is no Eleanor there waiting for me to come in and sit down by her. There is no companion to keep me company while Lance is away. There is no secure feeling when I go to bed tonight that everything will be okay because our guard dog is downstairs keeping watch over the house. The house feels empty and lonely and it's going to take a long time to get used to that.